Continue to have more fun than anyone else at every award show and never become aware of how awkward your dancing really is.
Although I hate them, I can’t help but feel like I owe some an apology. You see… I didn’t defame them, or break a story about their drug use, or stint in rehab, or even sleep with their significant other, no. I killed them.
When a celebrity or really, any newsworthy person reaches a particular age or leads a high-risk lifestyle, it’s my job to make sure there is an obituary ready to go, in case they croak. So to Betty White, and Bob Barker, I’m sorry. To Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, I apologize. And to all the others… I hope you accomplish more in your lives before overdosing, because as it stands, your obits really aren’t that great. I’m talking to you, Paris Hilton.